Over the past 15 months or so, our family has been on a roller coaster. Chris’s dad passed, I almost died giving birth, we struggled postpartum adjusting, my [favorite] cat died, and a week ago, Chris had a minor heart attack and heart procedure. I’m writing this blog as therapy. I’ve buried so much of this over the past year or so and finally want to do something about it.
When I gave birth, after an exhausting 44 hours of labor, 26 or so hours of VERY PAINFUL natural labor, the remaining medicated, 5 hours of intense pushing…something went wrong. I had an emergency c section, which went smoothly, until it did NOT. I quickly lost blood. Almost 70% of it. I had a secondary emergency procedure to stop the blood loss. Multiple transfusions later and 3 days in the ICU later, I held my baby boy for the first time. I was in so much pain I don’t even think I realized at the time the significance of this or the impact the sequence events would have on all of us months to come. Let’s just say PTSD is real. It sometimes comes from things as simple as giving birth. This original hospital stay was 8 days long.
After leaving the hospital, I was so weak, and still in so much pain. I stopped taking the narcotics they gave me since those entered the breastmilk. It hurt to sit, to lay, to move. I soon noticed a horrible back pain and chills as well. I had problems breathing. The same week as leaving the hospital, I went to the ER and found out my blood results were crazy. My body was freaking out. I likely had pneumonia, a kidney infection, and sepsis. Even after all the antibiotics, I was in pain for months. And these strong antibiotics meant I was pumping and dumping a lot. I returned to the ER once more for similar pain a week later. More antibiotics.
After these events, I still was having horrible nightmares. Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness. Helplessness.
Things are a lot better now for me, but I still struggle with motherhood. Motherhood is hard. I sometimes wonder if I was prepared to be a mother. If I were meant to be one. Ollie has separation anxiety so intensely right now. He cries if I walk a foot away. He also wakes up every hour or so at night. Chris and I are tired.
Chris last week had a heart attack. He had a 90% blocked Lateral Anterior Descending artery. They put a stent in and now is on a lot of medications and off of work for a while. We are stressed but okay for now.
I’ve been meaning to write this blog for a while. Chris’s recent hospital stay just pushed this to the top of my list.
Unexpected life events happen. We have had so many good things, so many blessings, happen to us over these past 15 months. I think sometimes, however, it’s okay to just really delve into the not-so-good. I think it can be therapeutic to do so. If we float above the bad, we eventually tire and drown in it all.
PS. My cat Albus was the best cat ever and he passed suddenly at 6 years old. </3